Hola peoples! You may or may not notice that my last post was five days ago. Buggers, I’m even failing to meet my lowered goal for posting on here.
Well, it’s because I am a bit stressed out. Ok, I’m A LOT stressed out. As I am typing this the clock just turned 6:39am. I have been up since 4am. After going to bed near 1am. I don’t need much sleep but even for me three hours is not good. The problem is that there are too many thoughts running through my head. It’s like a constant stream of all the things to worry about in my life is playing on repeat in my mind, with the voice in my head being the narrator.
Would that I could remember to dress so hot and pose so nicely when I am stressed out!
No, I’m more like this.
(By the way, if you haven’t done it already, you guys should read Hyperbole And a Half. It is one of THE funniest blogs ever!)
Back to talking about my stressors.
I’m worrying about that job prospect I mentioned in a previous post. I found out that I have to endure five more interviews. That will make the grand total of interviews I do for this one company equal to ten. TEN! Ten interviews for one position at one company!
I am so sorry for my cussing. Although I am still a goody-two-shoes and don’t really curse out loud, I curse a lot in my head and apparently in writing. Even more when I am stressed.
Back to complaining.
The interview process at this company is not very unusual in my field and at my level. But really peoples, ten interviews. Ten?! Do companies really need to test how a candidate reacts in every possible fucking scenario???
Slight tangent: Because I’m not used to cursing, I always wonder whether or not I’ve placed my curse words in the proper location. Like should I have written every fucking possible scenario instead just now?
In any case, right now, I don’t care what the data says about the best interviewing tactics. All I know is that I’ve got five more fucking interviews to sit through, when here I thought I was done.
Hell, it was a miracle I made it through five. I’m not sure how that happened really. I thought for sure that I was a goner after that last interview but they called me back and expressed interest in hiring me. And not just a little interest. Oh no. The guy basically said they wanted to hire me. He made it seem like he would be coming back with an offer if he came back with anything. Got my fucking hopes up real high. I NEVER get my hopes up high for interviews. Or anything really. Aim low and surpass goals is what I always do. Because then I get to be ecstatic by little achievements or about little things.
Now I find out that I am only just halfway there. I am never having high expectations ever again!
Really guys, I don’t think I have it within me to continue this charade of super confident, knowledgeable individual in FIVE MORE INTERVIEWS. I am probably going to crack in like upcoming interview three (that’s actually interview number eight for those of you keeping count).
If I don’t get this job, I really will have to seriously start thinking about going back to live with my parents because I can’t afford to stay here any longer. I mean I can stay with my relatives here but staying with them means continuing to deal with certain other issues. By the way, that’s another stressor: dealing with the relatives.
Going to live with my parents will be hard for being out. But even worse is that I’ll just be switching countries to start the job search anew there. And right now it is so hard to picture me easily getting a job within a month or two of being in the country where my parents live. So going to live with my parents won’t really magically change my situation. At all. The only thing it will do is it will allow me to change my physical location and more easily apply to jobs in the city where my parents live.
I am also spending lots of time trying hard NOT to think about The Ex who I am now fairly certain has fallen in love with some other girl. Fucking brilliant. That’s JUST what I needed to inadvertently discover while trying to prepare for super important interviews.
You’re probably thinking that that’s a lot of things to be thinking about. Oh but it doesn’t end.
Yesterday I had a call with one of my best friends. This is my best friend from college. I came out to her shortly after I came out to my former flatmate and my sister. (Yes, I will keep referring to the first time I came out to a non-queer, during that not-so-memorable alcoholic blackout of mine.) This best friend also comes from a conservative country but she is open-minded and she has really been trying to be understanding. I know though that secretly she was/is desperately hoping it is a phase I’m going through. Because to her it is just one more thing that will make my and my family’s life more difficult. In her culture it is all about face and an out queer person in a family kinda does the opposite of Saving Face.
I don’t know if you guys know anyone like this but I certainly do. In fact, I was maybe one of them. The people I’m talking about are people who are basically how I used to be. Here we go, another long story…
Since college, I have always been fairly open-minded about everything. Although I had lots of Christian and conservative friends who either openly or silently condemned people for having sex before marriage, partying and drinking too much, acting on their queer feelings or, hell, just being queer, I never did that. I have a very easygoing nature and I have never been one to judge most others harshly. Like, before I knew I was queer, I was cool with LGBTQ folk. However, while I was cool with it, it was never something I wanted for myself or anyone in my immediate family because I kept us to a different standard. Throughout my life, being gay (or any of the LGBTQ) is one of the big no-nos in my world. And I guess to me I used to feel it went completely against my beliefs. Kinda like how I still view abortion (brace yourselves)…
I am pro-choice. While I would love it if everyone chose life, I recognize that it is not my decision to make for others. However, I personally would never abort except in cases where my life was at risk. Grey for everyone else but black and white for me and my immediate family. That’s how it’s always been for me. My best friend is a little similar in that regard. She is also open-minded about stuff but I think that for her it would be better if I could control my queer desires somehow. Crush them maybe. And pretend they’re not still there.
When I originally told my bestie that I was dating my now-ex she was quick to suggest I not tell my parents and she kept referring to the whole deal as experimenting. Granted, she was saying stuff like she thinks it is good I’m experimenting. But she’d also say stuff like it’s good to experiment now and get it out of my system.
You and I know that it was not just an experiment for me.
When I came out to her, she sounded so relieved when I also told her I still liked guys and I played off my relationship with my now-ex as being a fling. Of course, by making my relationship seem inconsequential, I am very much partly to blame. However, I am a champ at hiding my real feelings in the real world.
When The Ex and I broke up, bestie offered me a lending ear but I could tell she was a little bit uncomfortable with it and was just offering because she is a good friend. I didn’t want to overwhelm her so soon. So I didn’t give her much details. I just told her I was very sad and I’d get over the girl soon enough. After that first week or two she never brought it up again. So I never bothered to tell her about all the anguish and continued confusion I was enduring when The Ex was still in regular contact with me. In any case, too much talking about my feelings in real life makes me feel weak and vulnerable. And I don’t do vulnerable. At least not yet.
Nowadays, when joking about our perfect futures, my dear friend still says stuff like she hopes we find the perfect GUYS. And our relationship talk has been very hetero-centred. Like, we have totally been focusing on my love of guys. And I’ve been letting it slide. So it’s business as usual. Except, as you all know, it’s NOT been business as usual for me. And, were I to have my way, it would certainly be au contraire.
Anyways, bestie and I talked on the phone yesterday and she broached the topic of dating. By that I mean that she asked me if I had time to do any. I was home and my homophobic family was home and within earshot. So I had to give her a vague, cryptic, coded response. But I think I made it clear (yeah I recognize the irony) that I am still interested in girls, confusing and complicated though they may be. I told her that The Ex and I were in regular contact up to 3 months ago (to her credit bestie thought that was sweet). And I told her that we are still in occasional contact. I also tried to explain, in this coded language, how it was not until a few months ago that I realized that I was way more emotionally attached to the Ex than she was me and I think nothing more is gonna happen. At that revelation and probably owing to the slight pain in my voice, my friend went silent for a bit. Like she was finally realizing that this thing that’s happening with me might not be a phase.
She is an awesome friend though. The best of the best. So she was being supportive in her own way. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to talk much more after that little exchange because the connection was spotty. We hung up and I was left with my thoughts.
Always the danger zone.
My thoughts turned to wondering if I’ll ever be able to come out to more family members and friends, if I’ll ever be able to date girls without caring what anyone else thought, if I’ll ever be able to open up to someone else and not be the closed-off person I have always been, if I’ll ever be able to fall for someone again and if I’ll ever be able to tell someone I’ve fallen in love with her/him.
This on top of all the other shit I was already thinking about constantly.
Yep, I totally gave myself a migraine. Or ten.
I don’t really have the answers to any of the thoughts running in my head. But I’ve resolved to continue trying to become the person I want to be. To be out and proud, to show my feelings more, to fall in love AND to inform the recipient of my love. Those are my relationship goals in life.
I can do this!
But first I need a job, so this week I ask you to please send up prayers to whatever deity you believe in for me!