Hola peoples. Happy Holidays!
I will try to do another post during the holidays or just after the New Year so will contain my holiday excitement for now. I actually want to talk about something else.
A week ago, I was reminiscing about grad school. Actually about a certain someone. My main crush from a couple years ago was tagged in a Facebook photo that reminded me why I liked her. Main crush, for those of you who don’t know or remember, is someone I crushed on pretty hard for a good long while in grad school. I wrote all about her here. But the short version is that she was a classmate of mine in grad school. Feminine face, andro dress style and tomboyish in demeanour. Very chill, smart, laidback, sweet girl. She made my gaydar ping like no other! But she also got engaged in between the first and second year of grad school to a guy she had apparently been dating long-distance for a couple years. He moved in with her during second year and I saw less and less of her that second year so my crush on her diminished. But you know how sometimes you get reminded of why you liked/like someone?
That happened when I saw that Facebook photo of her the other day. From the photo, I discovered that her previously straight long black hair is now cut quite short, Tegan and Sara style without the curls they’ve been doing lately. Looked a little like this:
She had on drop earrings and a feminine scarf over a plain blue T-shirt, I guess the earrings and scarf were to bring out the feminine side a little. She was looking super pretty in the photo.
It got me wondering if she would ever realize that she likes girls or, if she’s already realized this, if she would ever act on her feelings. I really do think that she is queer but either doesn’t know it or is in denial. Besides all the stuff I mentioned about her before (see links earlier in this post), I forgot to mention one incident near the end of our first year that stuck with me. It was an incident that helped kicked my crush on her into overdrive…Two and a half years ago I wrote this in my journal:
The other night, when you asked me if it bothered me when he kept touching me and you told me that it bothered you (presumably on my behalf), you have no idea how good that made me feel! I didn’t even think you saw us since you were with other people when he and I were talking/dancing. Is it wrong that I LOVE that you were watching me (or watching out for me – same thing)?
Then hanging out with you and the guys, talking about life and ourselves (with you saying that is what you love – really talking to your friends and getting to know them) and then you driving us to get ice cream, all instead of us heading over to some undoubtedly stupid drinking game party, TOTALLY made my night.
Two weeks later I still get a little bit high thinking about that whole night.
I still remember those weeks. I was on a high because we were hanging out so much. This was just before the end of first year. Let me give you more background to that journal entry and why it made me ping for her more and like her even more…
As I mentioned earlier, there was a period there when we hung out often. Our friends were the type who went partying Wed through Sun, certainly every weekend. Pre-game at someone’s place or dinner at a restaurant then often we’d hit one or a few pubs afterwards then sometimes after that end the night at someone else’s apartment. Usually if we went to the pubs it would turn into dancing and I would go all out, dance with guys, flirt (with guys), makeout with guys (didn’t do this one when she was around tho’), etc. This was before acceptance came and I was trying to prove that I liked guys and guys alone, with main crush being my one female kryptonite. Also, it was of course much easier to find guys to flirt with on the dance floor. When all I wanted to do was dance with her. Flirt with her. Kiss her.
Anyways, she used to come out and socialize but she never drank much so never got drunk, only danced in groups, never one-on-one with a guy and there was never a night where she got wild/super drunk/did scandalous things on the dance floor or in public like me and many of our friends.
In those days, what often happened was that we’d be dancing in a group and one of our guy friends or guy classmates would come up to me or one of the other girls who had previously demonstrated that they enjoyed dancing one-on-one with guys. When a guy came up to me, I’d start dancing with him. A lot of those guys were handsy dancers. For the most part, I really didn’t mind it. Most of them were my friends or guys I knew, I like dancing and it’s mostly harmless.
One night I was dancing beside her in our group. Then I went towards the bar to get a drink and a mutual guy friend came up to me. We started talking then a good song came on. So he and I started dancing together. He pulled me close and was being handsy, but not much more than usual. I really REALLY wanted to be dancing with her. In fact, I am pretty sure the reason I was headed to the bar in the first place was to get a drink to drown my sorrows/frustration about not being able to dance with her.
The next weekend we were at the pub fairly early, for dinner with a big group of friends. She and I were sitting at a table with a couple guy friends. We were talking one-on-one when she brought up the dancing from the week prior. She asked me if it bothered me when the guy kept touching me that night. Eye contact galore as she searched my eyes for an answer. AND THEN she said that she was asking because it bothered her. I couldn’t believe that she had been watching us that night. When she was the one I was thinking about during that dance! And more so, I couldn’t believe that she would state out loud that it bothered her! OMFG, that was one of the nights when I was sorely tempted to lean in and kiss her.
Even thinking about it now gets my heart racing. I’d like to think that it was being in a stupid pub in a public place and friends all around that stopped me from kissing her, and not the fact that I am chicken shit. That same night of her “confession” was when we decided to skip heading from the pub to a friend’s apartment to party and instead opted to continue talking at the pub. Most of our friends left for the apartment party, leaving just she, me and our two guy friends who also have a similar personality – chill, laidback types.
We knew our other friends were headed somewhere where there would only just be drinking, no real coherent conversation, and lots of drinking games. I like drinking but not when it gets to that frat-party type level. None of us who stayed back at the pub that night really liked the uber-drinking scene. So we talked until late in the night at the pub, near midnight, and then she mentioned ice cream.
Although I am not a super huge ice cream fan I jumped on that idea. She was really excited to go and offered to drive us to the place. We had ice cream and chatted some more. That night hanging out with her and our two good guy friends, all of us sober, was pretty awesome. We all learnt more about each other and she especially loved it. As I wrote in my journal, she mentioned that those were the kind of nights she loved, chilling with friends, not getting wasted and really getting to know her friends. That night was truly one of the highlights of grad school for me. (It doesn’t take much to make me happy ladies.)
There were a couple more “moments” between me and her in first year but I never got the courage to do anything because I’m pretty sure she would have rejected the notion of her liking girls or even liking me. Plus, back then in first year, I was still struggling to accept the fact that I liked girls.
And I am a bit sad we hung out less in second year. However, it was a little bit painful to hang out with her and her then-fiance-now-husband. I couldn’t deal with being around what I couldn’t have. Also, she mostly stopped hanging out with our group and in the big gatherings once her fiance came to live with her that year. They started hanging out with mainly their countrymen, in smaller groups. And I haven’t kept in touch since graduation.
But that Facebook photo though…