What is up everyone? It has been ages since I last posted. I come here because I have more free time on my hands again and I am feeling lost about many things in life, personal and professional. My personal has just been getting from bad to worse for the past year and this time it is all my personal relationships – friends, family AND significant others. But rather than think too deeply about them I’ve been avoiding my darker thoughts, even up to 2 months ago when things got worse and my professional woes more firmly planted themselves in the fray. I need to start letting out some of these thoughts the best way I know how or else I may just explode. That best way is by writing of course.
Lemme start fairly easy, by providing a recap of my year.
2016 started with me heartbroken. Getting a text a few minutes after midnight from the object of my desire who I am fairly sure also liked me quite a bit too but who was, for some inexplicable reason, still with the girl she was casually dating even though she claimed she didn’t wanna be with her. That NYE text from her, along with a few from her before and after New Year’s, just made me realize that me and her were not gonna happen. My heartbreak came from the fact that I think it all boiled down to her not liking me enough – the most common issue with the few queer girls who ever express any interest in me.
Work was also not going great at the beginning of the year. Money was tight, as usual, and I needed a new job.
In summary, the year didn’t start so good.
After the new year, I had a break from communicating with the girl. Or rather, she disappeared as she usually did when she was on-again with her girl, though it was a much longer period than usual. She re-appeared a couple months before Pride. Of course, it was after she’d broken up with her gf. We started hanging out again and I felt myself going down the falling-into-her path, but thankfully she broke that spell with some things that happened, things that she did. I was left hurt yet again, but also no longer seeing her as an ideal partner.
Then Pride happened and I crashed and burned with the few cool girls I met.
So my ego, or rather my already fragile self-esteem, was yet again wounded. Of course that was when an ex surfaced, a guy. A guy I broke up with last year when I admitted to myself that I liked the girl way more than him and it wasn’t fair to keep seeing him. Better to break things off early before things got serious. And to maybe give myself a chance to with the girl, since it seemed like she really liked me too but was being cautious since I was seeing someone. But, of course, by the time I got around to breaking up with him a few months later, in late 2015, she had found someone, that girlfriend of hers, the one she was with when she texted me at the start of 2016…
Anyho, back to more recent times, like a lion who can spot that his prey is weak, so can some exes somehow sense our fragile states. When my ex tried once again to win me back, I was feeling like I was done with women for a while. Women only seem to bring me heartache and pain and I started thinking I am not strong enough to deal with it. I hide my feelings so well in the real world that it is hard for people to tell I have them sometimes (I am Lexa). Sadly, I do most certainly have feelings.
So I am currently with that guy still. And not exactly happy. In fact, I think about breaking up with him at least once per week. I’m finding that guys are so much more work to be in a proper relationship with. At least the ones I tend to date. They require soooooo much more direction about what they should and shouldn’t do in a relationship. These things should come naturally. I shouldn’t need to have to point out some of the things I’ve had to point out to my guy.
Every single girl I know, queer or straight, would, without needing to be told, do the things I am oft finding myself wanting from my guy. As you peoples may know from my blog, I don’t have the most relationship experience. Some of my straight friends tell me that my guy’s behaviour is how guys are. But should I really be having to tell him all the little considerate things he could be doing? If this is how most guys are, why do straight women put up with this shit???
Plus, I actually know guys who do actually possess all the considerate, sensitive qualities I seek. They, of course, are all in stable long-term relationships. Even towards their friends who are girls, they are naturally considerate. These are the guys who aren’t considerate just because they wanna sleep (or continue sleeping) with someone. No, the motherfuckers who treat girls semi-decent mainly because they wanna sleep with them are the idiots I seem to always date. The ones who treat me differently from how they treat other girls, just because they happen to like me.
I have maybe told my guy about 10% of the things that bother me. Yeah yeah, I know I should communicate. But I’ve already established that communication is NOT my strong suit. Also, in my relationship, I am the only one ever bringing up things that bother me. It’s like he thinks I am perfect and very little I do bother him. I certainly do not feel the same way about him. Also, he is even worse about talking about his feelings than I am. Sigh.
Basically, I am realizing how the girl I was into earlier this year felt with wanting to break up with someone but finding it so hard when the other person is clearly in love with you and can be sweet sometimes, even though your heart is just not into them. She was with her girl for almost a year before she managed to end it for good. As for me? Months are zipping by and it is like something is always happening to make it a bad time to break up. I fucking knew I shouldn’t have responded positively to his text to meet up all those months ago.
And it is the holidays. Generally, I love the holidays. But the past few years have been bad, or not so good, except for family stuff. Last year Christmastime (2015), I was truly truly heartbroken from that girl (the heartbreak had definitely started before the New Year). The year before I was still getting over my main ex, a la the First Girl I Loved. This year, I am not heartbroken but I am conflicted about the relationship I AM in. Also, some of my other close relationships are on the rocks too – family and friends. Mainly, people just checking out. And then my job situation took a turn for the worse, yet again, just before the holidays. So now I will be starting the new year professionally uncertain.
I am beginning to think that in-fucking-stability is gonna be my normal state in life. Like I am gonna be 35 in a couple years and I don’t have my shit nowhere near together. This is it. So part of my sadness comes from the dying of all those dreams and aspirations I had to do well. I’m gonna still try to make ’em happen, at least my professional ones, but they are looking less and less likely. And this might be the first year that my hope, for finding true love at some point in life, begins to diminish. I hope I am wrong about it all and that I end up excelling in 2017, like people always expect me to. But I dunno….
Lemme see if I can try to start posting more regularly again. And go back to wittier fare.